oracl

writer, artist, indigo.

A serious warning/PSA about root canals + the spiritual role illness plays in our lives

(tw: chronic disease, trauma with conventional medicine)

Please stop and read this if you or someone you know has had a root canal or extraction of and infected tooth at the dentist. Extra important for you to read if you also have persistent health issues with unclear causes/solutions, whether they’re simple (mild fatigue, acne, sinus issues etc) or complex (autoimmune disorders, cancer.) This might be really, really important information for you or a loved one.

I got a root canal in 2011 which, unbeknownst to me until now, slowly ruined my health. Eventually, it culminated in two instances of ER hospitalization this year, one in spring and one recently in September. I had septic shock, a fancy term for an infection traveling to the heart or brain in a sudden/dangerous way. Organ systems began to fail, one after the other, rapidly. Sepsis kills people, often, to put it frankly…I have to be truthful about this in order for people to understand how serious it can get. I’m scheduled for a surgery to remove the infection later this month.

It’s taken me years of research and inexplicably worsening symptoms to realize what the root cause of all of this was. I was fresh out of high school, a few months into college when I got a root canal on a tooth with an infected cavity. 18 years old. Within two months I started developing serious skin problems that have since escalated dramatically. I began losing weight and couldn’t gain it back and haven’t since. I lost my appetite, developed cystic acne for the first time, had bad brain fog & it worsened my depression and anxiety. I was constantly tired and have been since 2011, to this day. I need more naps than a healthy adult should. It effected my memory, mood and immune system. It’s a large part of why I didn’t make it through college and I didn’t even know that until now. It effects my overall oral health and the teeth nearby. Its made me more painfully sensitive to light and sound. I developed tachycardia, muscle twitching and ovarian cysts. I can’t focus or concentrate to the best of my ability, I tend to feel groggy and vaguely unwell. Despite the fact that I’ve switched to a healthier diet and lifestyle for while now, in the past year it has gotten so bad that its lead to medical emergencies, hospitals and tests. 18 to 25 going on 26 is how long I’ve dealt with this.

I had a weird feeling starting in 2013 that maybe the root canal had something to do with it, but no one around me would hear it or considered the possibility of it. I was gaslit so bad I started trying to ignore the problems. But I eventually started doing research online around 2015. I found “Weston Price” and Dr. Huggins and all these alternative researchers in dentistry who finally said things that made sense to me and confirmed my suppressed suspicions. One famous research study showed that rabbits implanted with root canaled tissue from chronically sick human patients almost always developed the identical sickness from the patient, and the patients tended to improve drastically after removal. I also found hundreds of stories and group chats on medical/health internet forums, from real people, whose health went to shit after a root canal or bad extraction. They all ended up on these forums because they could not find a doctor or dentist to validate their experience or find the root cause of their sudden, confusing onset of illnesses….

Long story short: root canals are toxic. They leave a dead tooth in your mouth, create a place for bacteria to thrive and lock it inside jaw bone tissue, creating a focal infection which then travels through the body through the bloodstream (this is called a “cavitation”). You can also get an infection if your dentist doesn’t remove the entire ligament that connects the sick tooth to the bone during an extraction…lots of them don’t because they aren’t trained to do so. In either case, whatever toxins are there flow to various tissues in your body, causing persistent, chronic health problems that then seem ‘incurable’ or ‘made up’ to conventional practictioners. These toxins can poison you slowly, for years, even decades without you realizing it. Because I’m extremely sensitive and my immune system was already compromised, my symptoms became acute and obvious, but there are many people reading this who probably have cavitations and don’t realize it because their immune system works well enough to filter the toxins…but maybe its effecting you already and you don’t realize it because its subtle? And if not, then what about five years from now? Ten, or twenty years? That’s a lot of toxic stuff leaking into your body daily.

Today, right now, there are tens of millions of Americans being slowly internally poisoned by their root canals and bad extractions. Only trained biological and holistic dentists can properly remove these infections because conventional dental schools straight up do not teach this as a clinical possibility. If you have a root canal, its likely toxic. But it’s a traditional practice that makes dentists a lot of $$$$$ and drives up the statistical likelihood of patients returning/needing more work in the future. Most young dentists would, of course, disagree with me because they are learning within the old paradigm. If more people knew there has been solid research on this shit since the 1930s, then you’d have millions with serious diseases suing, protesting and popping off. Not to sound conspiracy-ish but this shit is basically a massive coverup with insane public health implications. I really can’t tell you how many stories I read online from people who went through even worse things than I did. Cancer. Arthritis. Diabetes. Losing loved ones. Even young people like me….Healthy, active young people with absolutely no current or genetic history of any of these problems, all of which began after their root canal or extraction. I was a varsity athlete in highschool (track) and a serious, lifelong dancer and performer. I had glowing skin, way more energy and an 8 pack. Still getting over the physical effects this experience has had on me :/ Excited to get back to pre-root canal coral.

Spiritual Dimensions of Illness

I couldn’t publish this without including what I’ve learned from this on a spiritual and emotional level. Whats weird is, I kind of had to accept sickness before the solution could come into my life. I had to stop wanting to ‘get rid of it’ and eradicate/kill off my symptoms. I had to just…stop and be PRESENT with myself for a change…not trying to escape my experience. I had to learn to be OK with the person I am right now, in this now moment, not the person I want to be, not the projection my ego wants me to be so it can protect itself from the shame it honestly needs to process. I had to learn to embrace pain, unwellness, scars, darkness and know that although I contain those things, they are not “me”. I spent years deeply exploring myself and spiritually awakening while all this was happening to my physical body. Sickness paused what my ego thought it wanted, and forced me to sit alone with myself at the bottom of my inner well in the dark for a very long time, exploring every shadowy corner, exploring my past and past lives, exploring trauma and childhood, parents and sibling relationships, friendships, social communities, culture & the world at large, undoing lifetimes of social programming while healing personal/ancestral trauma.

Until I got sick it wasn’t clear to me how gaslighted I had been growing up at home and also by institutions in general, not just medicine. I didn’t realize how much I had come to believe that suffering was normal, how often I would push right through it and do what had to be done. How hard it was for me back then to understand/believe my own suffering and locate + name the cause, be it physical or emotional. How much I was taught by society that I’m worthless if not constantly healthy, productive and successful. How much external pressure I put on myself to achieve despite the internal truth inside me begging me to focus within, on what hurt and needed attention. Its like the symptoms were my souls way of saying: ‘you’re hurting! Somethings wrong! Something happened, they put a toxic thing in you. Please pay attention to me and stop everything and take care of me and love me. Believe me when I give your body symptoms, because I am your soul and that is the easiest way for me to communicate with you right now since you are not awakened yet, so you don’t understand my language but you do understand pain and crisis. Also, listen to your physical intution plz, and stop letting others deny your experience/truth! And stop denying yourself of it! Of all you are, the immense light and the darkness. The symptoms just want you to validate them and love them and see them for what they are, they are just a message to you from your soul, once you embrace them then the solutions will manifest so you can heal but it has to start from within, Coral…” etc etc. It might sound woo but whatever. I really kinda have learned to see my body and sickness/disease in a new light.

One one level I was a victim of a dangerous and toxic procedure, but on a *higher* level I was learning from experiences that were a symbolic reflection of muuuuch deeper things within, and the physical experience was teaching me the exact lessons I had to learn. I’m not saying sickness and illness are ‘good’ things, nor am I minimizing the fucked upness of any of it. It sucked, it still sucks, and I’d love nothing more than a healthy, disease and root canal free world.  I just like to explore various ways of looking at life. And looking at things this way seems to have some very interesting/cool spiritual effects that feeling like a victim of something does not.  It’s really just a matter of perspective. And there’s no separation because it’s honestly both…we are victims of conditioning and capitalism and all kinds of isms outside of us individually and it would be socially irresponsible and naive to deny that. I went to the dentist in 2011 and got sick as a result, linear cause and effect. However, I also think there is more to reality than what we see before us, that there are deeper meanings and reasons for things and that it takes a conscious connection with your soul to understand them.

Doing so doesn’t make everything automatically ‘perfect’, although it does set you on the right path. What it does is it allows you is to stop feeling like your experiences are only out to get you, and start flowing along with them instead of against them. What we resist persists and illness is no different. We give power to experiences by resisting them, but when we surrender to them and let go of trying to solve or control, paradoxically we become aware that “we” are the field of consciousness in which the experience is happening, not the experience itself. Healing, therefore, becomes a matter of shifting your consciousness from being the person who is sick, to the field of awareness who is having an experience of being sick. From that state of awareness you access the ability to heal yourself and, beyond that, decide/create your physical experience.  All along, illness was only trying to wake me up to this incredible knowledge about the truth of who and what I am. Once properly integrated and applied, this awareness is meant to alter my experience of reality, lifting me out of ‘this is being done to me’ awareness, into ‘i am creating this entire experience’ awareness’Its kind of hard to explain this concept lol…

Anywayyyy, this has an automatic healing effect and is what sets in motion the wave of energy that will deliver the solution to you without your mind struggling to come up with one… Without you fighting your body, your emotions, yourself. This is a deeper, more effective and permanent way to heal, just my perspective though. Practicing this perspective created a big enough energetic shift that it manifested in my physical reality as finding all the answers to my health issues which released all the doubt I had and calmed my nerves a lot. It manifested as finding a kind, supportive not crazy expensive dentist in my boyfriends hometown, so I’m in a comfortable homey place after my appointments. And the craziest thing is the dental clinic turned out to be on the other side of the building where I got my first album (“The Awakening“) mastered. We had nooooo idea 🙂 When shit like this happens I know I’m in alignment with my soul…because my efforts to heal physically are happening effortlessly now and spirit/my higher self does funny stuff like the last thing just so I know for a fact its looking out for me.

Like any crisis a human faces, disease can be viewed as an invitation back into the self, back into the truth of who you are beyond all personal expectations or human experiences, back into truths you have hidden very deep inside you where its non verbal…in your flesh. Because I truly could not solve or fix what I thought was ‘broken’, and I had no choice but to surrender to it, I ended up doing a cool thing. I accepted being sick and surrounded the entire ‘negative’ experience with the light of who I truly am, formless consciousness that can never be ‘sick’, because it is outside of time/space. It exists beyond the convincing illusion of physical reality, and this space is the true source of wellness. This space is the fountain of youth, a metaphor for the space where you find a source of unconditional love and light within you. From there, it became easier to start learning how to love my physical self unconditionally. Only then did spirit (higher intuition) draw me to the websites that would finally lead to understanding what caused me to get sick in the physical realm. I had to first understand the spiritual cause/meaning before I could understand, then heal, the physical. It had to start within. Doctors have the shit allllll wrong.

Getting sick also lead me back to the truth that in our natural, untampered with by capitalist industrial society state….we are already whole. Healthy and whole. Natural food, natural environment, natural lifestyle, the way life was meant to be lived. I’ve changed how I eat and live and care for myself. The only reason we end up needing modern dentistry in the first place is because of modern diets and ways of living. Without a sugar fueled cavity filled childhood in poverty, I wouldn’t have ‘needed’ it at all. The root canal was an external, destructive force that fucked up my physical equilibrium the same way that capitalism is fucking up the equilibrium of our planet, our home. As without, so within. Realizing this has helped me understand/name larger systems of oppression and their effects on the physical body and public health at large. As more and more people realize their seemingly personal physical problems are all interconnected and related to capitalism/modern western craziness/our own spiritual disconnection from ourselves, we come closer to finding solutions to shared problems and realizing that health and vitality is our natural birthright as sovereign beings on this planet.

Why I’m sharing my story: I feel like a canary coming out of a toxic coal mine who has flown back to tell people ‘nope, do notttt fuck with this coal mine, take it from me its not safe in there’, lol. What I mean is, if you’ve gotten root canals or extractions done, take the advice of someone who’s been through the potential long term effects and don’t go down the same road. If you are perfectly healthy, that’s great and you’re probably fine, even though some say all root canals are inherently toxic. But if you have health issues you or doctors just cant pinpoint/solve/explain, or even a constant mild feeling of fatigue, please consider your dental history….. (You’ll need a non conventional dentist and a 3D bone scan to even pick up on a cavitation and clean it properly FYI) This experience has had such an enormous cumulative effect on my life…still processing it and will be for a time as I heal and detox. One thing that helps emotionally is the idea of making sure people around me are aware and empowered when it comes to taking their power back from the problematic institution that is modern western dentistry. I hope this helps someone else out there get their health back ❤ Feel free to share this and ask me any questions about my journey through this, if you think you might start your own.

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impermanence/fragility

coral hospital.jpg

At one point during an unexpected, serious medical emergency earlier this month, I genuinely thought I was dying. This is the story + a tiny reflection on physicality + impermanence + love. 

We wake up and cuddle and pull on clothes, then smoke with M in his Bedstuy apartment, where we are staying for a few days. J unties the black hematite cross necklace I had been wearing like a choker since he bought it for me, three months ago. It needs to be cleansed.

We leave it on the table, exit the apartment and walk hand in hand to a Soul Food restaurant he found on yelp, one block away. I’m happy to arrive at the front door, respite from the cold March winds outside. There are no seats, just a service partition and a thin ledge to the left. The menu is long, detailed. J studies it; the lines on his forehead creasing in a familiar way as he scans the shiny black paper with too many options on either side.

(Less than one hour later, I am traveling through the door again, this time, to go. The only difference is that this time, I am near unconscious, in unbearable pain, in a wheelchair: being hauled out of the store where an ambulance awaits on the street. )

I stand beside him, considering what to order, feeling tired and spacey, but writing it off as a result of smoking. My eyelids begin to feel heavy, the joints in my legs suddenly weary and annoyed with the laborious act of standing. A minute later, I am dizzy. Standing starts to really feel like a lot. I tell my love, who is still focused on the menu, that I need to sit down, and I make my way to the ledge, which is just wide enough for small butts to perch comfortably.

Relieved, my legs relax into the ground. The dizziness only increases. Then, all of a sudden, nausea. I begin to start slipping out of present awareness and into the increasingly worrying sensations that are only beginning to overwhelm my body. I am very dizzy now, and not thinking about the menu anymore. At this moment, I begin to realize that there is something strange happening to me, in me.

Then, the nausea increases, and I begin to sway, ever so slightly, the beginning of losing consciousness which would soon rapidly progress. J comes over to check on me, and around then, my body temperature starts rising. Within two minutes, my body is extremely hot, to the touch, I can feel the heat emanating from my skin. I look up at him. Baby I don’t feel well. At this point, things begin to get blurry. I am burning up and in a state of mental confusion, but not in super visible distress, yet.

He goes back to the counter to put in orders and my dizziness gets worse. I lean over onto the wall, this is the beginning of my body no longer being able to hold itself up. At this point, I begin to feel my consciousness slipping away. But very slowly at first. Confused, since I’d been fine five minutes before, I tell him ‘J, there’s something wrong. Something is really wrong right now.’

The women in the store begin to notice but say nothing.

Then, I start having trouble breathing. I cannot seem to get enough air into my lungs. I am not gasping for breath, just aware that my breathing isn’t working how its supposed to anymore. It is slow, labored, heavy, uneven, obstructed. Now I am terrified. J says something along the lines of ‘lets go home, its so close, we can leave now honey’ and at that point I have to tell him to call an ambulance because I am not OK. The realization of the extent of what is happening sinks in for both of us. I don’t remember if he called or if someone else did. I lose more consciousness and begin to go ‘in and out’ of awareness.

Then the abdominal pain kicks in, and I lose more consciousness and begin to fall over, slumping into J who is suddenly having to ‘catch’ me. This is where it gets hard to detail, because I was coming in and out of responsiveness. In one moment I am in darkness, in the next I open my eyes, although unable to speak or respond, and I realize that my boyfriend is holding my head and neck up with his hands, saying things like stay me with coral, stay with me please, asking if any of the women at the store have any experience because his girlfriend is having a medical emergency. One kind hearted stranger steps up and helps him, because I am really passing out now and will fall to the ground without support. The pain in my intestines and abdomen is becoming acute now.

In and out, in and out, hearing people’s voices as if they are far away. I come to, then become non responsive again.

It is at this point that I start to believe I am possibly dying. In the muted corridors of unconsciousness, I ask God to let me live. I want to live. It almost feels like something is trying to kill me and I am begging it not to. Why am I shutting down, why is my body failing me right now, I ask, when cognizant. In and out, curled over in pain one second and almost slipping to the floor in another. I groan with pain when I come ‘out’ of faint mode, feeling as if I’ve been poisoned.

I had never faced the sheer terror of a physical experience so extreme, with so many body systems seeming to malfunction at once, all within minutes of each other, after feeling perfectly normal right before. I had never experienced a medical emergency so sudden or profound, had never had to cope with such a loss of bodily control, with the stunningly real possibilities that I knew could come from not being able to breathe or passing out over and over again. People with serious long term illness, who go through things like this….dear god, I fucking salute you. You are so strong and impossibly brave, and I only got a glimpse of your struggle.  

Suddenly, the pain gets so bad that I realize I will actually shit myself in the next few minutes if I don’t get to a bathroom. My bowels start preparing themselves for movement, and I can’t really control it, to my horror. The physical need to go is what wakes me up enough to stumble, person on either side of me, to the bathroom, groaning on the toilet in horrible, inexplicable pain. Afterword, I cannot stand. I fall off the bowl onto the bathroom floor, writhing, still in and out. The EMTs arrive and put me in a wheelchair, roll me out of the restaurant and into the ambulance, and lift me from the chair to the gurney. My guts are still aching, but already I am just beginning to return to more awareness, aided by an oxygen mask, the harshness of the cold, and the rumble of being in a moving vehicle. By the time we arrive at the hospital, the worst of it is over, but I am still so out of it, exhausted, confused, sore, scared. J is by my side, holding my hand and letting me know its OK. He was my hero through it all, even though I later realized he was deeply shaken as well, especially in the moments when my eyes were open, but blank, like a dead persons would be. He hid it to care for me.

After four hours and simple tests, all the doctors told us is that I experienced syncope, a fancy word for fainting but not immediately, a more complex and gradual loss of consciousness. He didn’t have answers for the sudden fever,  the nausea, the breathing issue, the abdominal pain and bowel cramping. We were just ready to go, and were relieved to be released. I have a clean bill of health from the blood tests.

And now, sitting here writing this a week before my twenty fifth birthday, which I am grateful I’ll be able to enjoy, I briefly reflect. I am thinking a lot about the impermanence of our bodies, the dangerousness of life, incarnate. To be physical, to be human, is so terrifyingly vulnerable. When I think about our bodies from a soul perspective, it’s almost frightening, how the vast expanses we truly are, are confined to these flesh things, which respond with pain to anything that threatens their homeostasis. We’re so soft and our bodies are these unique, fussy little ecosystems, so sensitive and susceptible to external things that puncture or poison, to hard things, to wires crossing, to any myriad of things going wrong inside of them or outside of them. We’re eternal beings, who are so fucking breakable.

There is something so horrible, and so stunningly beautiful about it. Without these bodies, without your softness, how would you experience the vulnerability, the profundity in cuddling with someone so closely that your two hearts start beating in unison through two chests?

Our skin has to be thin enough to feel anothers heart pounding. Perhaps our deep knowing of the possibility and eventual inevitability of our hearts stopping gives each beat endless depth and meaning it couldn’t have otherwise.

-c

(ps, im doing fine now.)

 

 

Fly Me to Mars

gorgeous/resonant.

babe in botland

I spent my first seventeen years in this country as a Resident Alien. In these politically correct times such language is now frowned upon, but the truth is that it is by far the most accurate description of my experience living in this country as a dark skinned black woman – alien and alienating. Especially over the course of the last year.

I say frequently, to the chagrin of white and black Americans alike, that I am profoundly grateful and relieved that I was not born and raised in this country.

And I am.

I am grateful every single day that I was born and raised and educated in the so-called “third world”.

I am grateful that I had the experience of just being a child. Of people expecting me to be brilliant, and not being surprised when I fulfilled their expectations.

I am grateful that I had an experience of…

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On club scenes: weird vibes, superficiality, and other things I’ve observed as a dj in NYC.

My homie KALA (Jaryd, a member of my crew #KUNQ) wrote this Facebook status a few days ago:

“Every month I lose interest in what the club scene has become. More and more of superficial vibes, throwing shade, and being rude & fake AF. But then I hear “Stop Oppression and POC need to unite” when individuals keep dividing themselves up.
P.S.
It isnt everybody and the music still bumps.”

83 people liked it, a great deal of them people I know or know of, who are part of said club scenes, which I found fascinating. If so many people feel the exact same way, then who is engaging in this behavior? My idea is that it’s not a majority, but a handful of people who rise to positions of power/relevance/visibility, creating this negative vibration with their insecurities, egos, and need for interpersonal dominance and control, which then spill over into the space, like a well dressed, shady squid spewing ink into the water around them. Some of these people hide it from their friends/squad, so that only people outside of the group experience said behavior, and there is no inbuilt mechanism to check or challenge it. I wrote the following comment below, but then deleted it, because I am a pariah in scenes and I often feel like my observations are almost…too real. Socially dangerous for me to expose them freely although, to be fair, I’m already an outcast and the majority of these people don’t give two fucks what I do or say, anyway :D…. So here it is:

Over years its started to seem like lotsa club scenes in major cities in general are outgrowths of capitalism, based around consumption and a profit motive, largely made possible by white men who own venues, breeding grounds for pathological escapism/superficial meaningfulness, rife with social gatekeeping and stratification especially among already marginalized/displaced people using it for a sense of identity/personal relevance instead of allowing a stable, internal sense of self to create a positive/healing external reality at the club….some scenes often seem to me, to be attempts to fill voids that genuine community should fill, unless, of course, you are in the clique/in-group that runs it. (And even within those…there is infighting.) The vibration be off af sometimes. I can tell when someone else is feeling it too because I can sense the same anxiety in them, through a chat or a brief glance across the room.We’ve probably had one or a few of those moments IRL, lol. Plus, since more underground scenes are not bolstered by the big corporate engines that back, say, EDM, this forces the need for competition so that you can rise in relevance over the next person and get booked more/payed more…the rent in NYC is high as hell. Things become about turnout, about having people with mad social media followers and the right look/aesthetic on the lineup, about selling tickets and overpriced mixed drinks, about getting all the *right* press acknowledgement, about being trendy and cool and exclusive. At so many parties I have noticed people standing around, clearly judging people they are not there with, refusing to interact with anyone outside of their group,  talking shit while smoking cigarettes in corners, making sure they take perfect selfies for the gram with the right people. I sense what is going on in a space, to an extreme degree. This is why, in my younger days, I had to get wasted to even be comfortable in these spaces, otherwise my awareness would manifest as severe, painful anxiety in my body, which was trying to scream NO to all the posturing and hiding, NO to the not love and not community and not friendliness it was encountering, often under the guise of being an empowering/non normative space….(see why I didn’t post my comment on his status? Lol. I’m too much.)

Also, in our postmodern western society on the brink of transformation/collapse, i’m not sure anymore if my efforts in nightlife have really been useful/healing/revolutionary in any meaningful way. I have way, wayyy too many stories, its sad, and you know i’m a genuinely kindhearted person since we met, and i know that about you as well….(def more closed off now but safer that way)…..I have had panic attacks due to shade so cold, unexpected and unwarranted all i could do in that moment was sit by myself on the bench at trans pecos wondering why Im even there at all, thinking of all the energy i probably wasted wearing my heart on my sleeve in these environments…..that said, i find it so interesting, this disappointing shared experience/perspective we both have, which many other commenters and likers seem to have resonated with, despite the intense absence of this dialogue on social media.. overall im not judging, these are just observations. its totally NOT everyone and there are good and bad sides to all things. but thank u again for speaking up, not everyone can or will. grateful to have been given a space to reflect/express about this.

I will speak more on this soon, and maybe even tell a few stories.

Authenticity

This was a comment I wrote on a blog written by my favorite spiritual teacher, Teal Swan, back in 2014.

https://tealswan.com/teals-blog/to-hell-with-the-facade

Just stumbled upon it while looking through old emails. First, a quote from the blog post, then my response:

“It does not serve me to let fear bury the truth of who I am when I am in the public eye.  This is a new age that we are living in.  A time when people will come into a knowing of their own god-hood.  Conformity to an ideal, no longer serves us.  It cooks us in the furnace of self-suppression.  And I have decided that even if it kills me, I am going to lead this shift by example; knowing that when I expose myself, I give people permission to be where they are without making them wrong, unlovable or bad for it.”

-Teal Swan

Looking back, this is really beautiful to read. Personal authenticity in one person that becomes visible to millions can be more powerful than the ongoing work of a million activists doing concrete things to bring about change. The bane of modern existence, the spiritual void we feel, is related to our inability to be truly present with ourselves and our feelings. The entire matrix program of control is based upon our collective lack of integration of our shadows. the “normal” psychological profile is so strange to me. as a teen i remember thinking wow everything is fake and most people are too, then being told i have ‘social anxiety disorder’ and spending years clawing my way back to the truth. my perception has since matured but to some extent i was right. its all this repressed pain causing the world to be so full of suffering. (i think we have incredible courage, strength and bravery that is hard for the world to even comprehend at this point, but that seems to be changing quickly) but yeah…i look around and my heart hears the world SCREAMING for realness! for truth, for what really is, for whats beyond the damn facade, for that which proceeds construction or conditioning by external forces with an agenda. you demonstrate something so profound and i understand the pain it causes to go through willingly triggering yourself like that for the good of others. I remember when I decided that it was the utmost authenticity or nothing. I just saw through the bullshit so hard that I couldn’t be unreal anymore, it disgusted me and i wanted more from myself, i was being motivated and assisted by a higher purpose that had little use for my socially programmed fear response to my own true raw divine self or my fear of peoples reactions to it. regardless, the fear and shame it triggered and continues to trigger is real. better than before though. I used to have panic attacks after blog posts in which I spoke in my inherently honest and self revealing way. i have lost friends by being myself and people often don’t know what to do with me, the more i let the real me out. however, regardless of that, I grow in self love and self respect, my creativity expands exponentially in leaps and bounds and I care less and less about being accepted for being someone I am not. but you know what the most amazing thing about it is? once i really started doing authenticity as a hardcore spiritual practice (i think we started focusing on it at the same time) but yeah once i really started taking it seriously and holding myself to it, I began to…be a sort of *channel* for wisdom i didn’t even fully understand the source of…..i began to write words that *touched* people in places they forgot they ever had, a long long time ago. i began to *wake* people out of their slumber with the power behind my words. i began to attract people that could only stand in silence after I spoke that truth and gently beckoned theirs out from the places they had stuffed it in order to survive and fit in….people would randomly open up to me from such a deep and beautifully real place and I was able to catalyze intense inner shifts in them, like i had in myself….pretty much started to step into my role as a healer and so much beautiful shit blossomed as a result of the commitment to authenticity. i know i’ve touched and changed peoples lives and its not because of me in a personal sense, it because because of the magic and POWER that lies within the authenticity we’re all capable of and meant to embody but taught to fear more than anything.

More reflections on ADHD, ableism, and a real life example of stigma/shaming that happened last month.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/adhd-brain-disorder-study_us_58af2326e4b060480e05c139?kwp_0=345868&kwp_4=1303323&kwp_1=578656

Thoughts on the latest ADHD studies which apparently prove that our issue is neurological:

I am, by far, the most “severe” case of Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder I have ever known, and very likely the most extreme case you have ever interacted with in your life, although you can’t really tell on the surface. While they are often co-morbid, it’s not directly comparable to depression or anxiety, as those are primarily situational or trauma based: you’re not born depressed or anxious. I was born with measurable brain differences that are interpreted as evidence of an incurable disease in modern society. My differences make the basic capabilities of *adulthood* extraordinarily difficult on an ongoing basis. The effects don’t come in cycles, there is no ‘onset’, there are no episodes, no major or minor. According to the scientists and the doctors and the looks on certain people’s faces when your ADD decides to show itself like a perpetually reoccuring nip slip, you’re just broken. From the day you are born, you are broken. That is the paradigm, and many of us who face serious ADD feel like our fate is to feverishly tread water with deformed, weak, ‘too different from other people’ limbs, forever. (Stimulants do not work on everyone, are not available to everyone, and for some like myself, the costs outweigh the benefits. I like having a full range of emotions and I do not like random fits of agitation and rage, personally. Thats why I had to stop. Meds are not a one size fits all solution.)

People generally have no real idea what its like, how far reaching the effects are, and how maladapted we are for survival under late capitalism. As a black woman with the personal backstory I have, my efforts to survive and thrive are thwarted even more by my identity, my biography and my relatively low standing within most social hierarchies and power structures. Ancestry of slavery, segregation, poverty, abuse, addiction and dysfunction, no generational wealth, very little family support, a personal history of extreme trauma, working in an industry with an insanely high glass ceiling for women, and the list goes on. ADHD voices are so unheard and misunderstood in general, but black, poor female ones far more so. Black women with so called ‘mental illness’, living at the axes of multiple oppressions, are among the most unheard and disregarded voices there are in America. Are we broken? Or are the systems that drain our life force and invalidate our existence, themselves, broken?

On the one hand, studies like the one in the link above help people like me who struggle relentlessly, perpetually, with things modern adults are expected and generally able to do. They help because they convince the neurotypical population that we ‘really’ do have a ‘brain disease’ that is not our personal ‘fault’. Therefore, they combat stigma and make it so that my lived experience is less of a culturally invalidated, tragically misunderstood, interpersonally denied and stigmatized situation. However…they hurt too, because, at the end of the day, my very real neurobiological differences are only pathological/ abnormal in the context of a deeply unnatural, insane, programmed construct called modern society, in which neurotypical brains are the norm and the standard and, I must admit, less threatening to the way things are, which is why there is no diagnosis for that. ADD, for some including myself, means not being able to force ourselves to do things even with the risk of massive consequences. Many of us are motivated almost entirely by inspiration, desire and personal interest in a subject matter or an activity. Kind of like children. Free. Too free, too driven by what is within rather than by the hard, blunt edges of ‘reality’ that exist without. (Is that reality?) Survival, quite literally, does not fire up my engines, and I only recently accepted it and stopped hating myself for it in 2016. I have had to pay for it in too many ways to count. Fear doesn’t work very well to get my switch from off to on, which is why people like me HAVE to get a psychiatric label and drugs to change who we are, you can’t have a bunch of people running around who can’t figure out how to motivate themselves off of humanitys base survival instincts and modern conditioning! Fuck no. And dear God, if people started looking into the mirror of our inability to conform and realize how much they too, deep down, struggle to conform and live in this fake construct, shit would fall apart. We most defffffinitely cant have that. *Cue endless studies about our ‘broken brains’ and 10 million adderall prescriptions for ten year olds in America who cant pay attention to brainwashing at school for six hours a day*

A quote from the incredible mind of John Taylor Gatto is relevant here: “School is about learning to wait your turn, however long it takes to come, if ever. And how to submit with a show of enthusiasm to the judgment of strangers, even if they are wrong, even if your enthusiasm is phony.”
John Taylor Gatto

Back to my own experience. I am damn near incapable of submitting myself to boredom or routine, my brain tends to switch off when I see through something false and can’t give my energy to it, when someone is using words just to fill a void they mistakenly think exists outside of themselves, or when I just don’t care about something and do not see its relevance to my personal mission, even when I try really, really, really, really hard to stay focused. Every job, lost within months. Every single one. Multidimensional is a good word for my brain, I often feel like my consciousness is present beyond the physical levels of consensus reality. Sometimes I am outside of time, sometimes I am in a hyperfocused trance of no-time, sometimes I am deep in my own subconscious, sometimes I am in a whirlwind of other people’s thoughts and emotions, sometimes I am so present I cannot help but behave completely spontaneously. A few times, I have actually ‘left’ my physical body and my consciousness traveled to the past or the future (being an intuitive/claircognizant is part of this). Lots of ADD’ers have these gifts of expanded consciousness and are not naturally grounded into 3 dimensional reality because our role at a soul level is to be both in this reality while not being of it. Many of us are portals, bridges to the beyond, who are able to bring the spiritual down into the physical and merge them through the activities that light our brains on fire and put us so deep into hyperfocus we become unaware of our physical bodies, of time and space, of where we put the keys, of the fact that we forgot to pay the phone bill. My ADD brain gives me really awesome powers tbh, which the world needs badly right now. It’s sacred, but everything is inverted here in duality, so down here, we’re ‘sick’ and need to be fixed because we can’t keep most jobs without neuturing ourselves with therapy, stimulants and internalized shame.

I am terrible with things like money, turning my gifts into profit, and navigating the strange, fear based world of any capitalist industry at all. I can write my ass off, I was a child prodigy in a couple of ways, and last year I stumbled into leading an international collective/movement online among other things, but knowing how to monetize my mind and turn the contents of my soul into profit? It’s like trying to learn sanskrit from a braille textbook. I make sense in a village where man and nature live in harmony, where villagers do not have to learn how to ask if they can go pee in schools, or get office jobs, or pay rent to an owner of a piece of something that belongs to everyone, every month. I don’t make sense in the world as it is, and it doesn’t make any sense to me, but that is probably the most important reason why people like me desperately need to exist: to remind other adults that this shit isn’t really honoring their soul or working for them, either, even if they have forced themselves to function well within it and stake out a little place in this mess for themselves, thereby procuring a little piece of security and safety in a world gone mad. If everyone easily kept jobs and payed rent every month and effortlessly focused their attention on whatever we are ‘supposed’ to focus on, we’d be hurtling towards an Orwellian/Huxley’esque dystopia even faster than we already are. My *broken brain* has a forbidden, uncontrollable magic in it, and for that, I pay dearly on the physical plane. For that, and for my inability to tame it and get with the program, I suffer. Ideological warfare on the too wild, too free and therefore dangerous human spirit.

Living as someone like this is difficult in ways I’m not sure words can express. I once stayed with a man who was abusing me for months because I had no where else to live and between being abused by a sociopath and the way my brain works no matter how hard I tried, it was really, really hard to acquire enough money to get out. I can’t even sit and search for jobs on craiglist for more than fifteen minutes without getting completely distracted and having to yank myself back to the task at hand, over and over and over and over again (then attention fatigue sets in and I fall asleep from the strain midday.) I have lived on people’s floors surviving off bagels, I have relied on food banks, I have lived in a dirty, illegal loft with ten men, I have slept on the train, I have gone from couch to couch, I have been shamed so deeply for my struggle to survive and navigate NYC as an adult, I have been fired a million times and sometimes with harsh words (one boss told me I need an ‘interface’ to deal with reality, obviously equating my differences with a form of mental retardation, even though my IQ probably eclipses his and definitely most people’s, by a large margin.) My parents kicked me out onto the street because it took me longer than a month to get my shit together after taking medical leave from Wesleyan, although it was obvious I was clinically depressed and could barely eat/move/think about working. As far back as middle school, reports all reflect the same thing, that I have an incredible mind but I am just not good enough in the ways that it takes to succeed within institutions with strict expectations for how my brain should work, I am not living up to my potential, etc etc. Professors at Wesleyan loved me because I made their classes less boring by not riding their dicks and actually challenging their ideas, yet I just didn’t make it to graduation after more than three years of trying. The actual impact of being this way is SO FUCKING REAL and I want people to know that, for my sake and for the sake of millions who deal with this.

Now: a real life example of what it is like to face ableism and stigma and non-belief as someone with severe ADHD.

I’m going to bring up Neybuu again. Neybuu (apparently her real name is Renae or something) is a white woman, a music producer, who came out of nowhere to demean me last month in an extremely random and deeply ableist way. I run a rapidly growing global collective of women/nonbinary folks in the hopes of changing gender inequality in electronic music, and it is a great deal of work, which I explained two posts below in an essay about the situation. I am someone who is motivated by a desire to change how things are, not by a desire to thrive within them, although I try very hard to do both but tend to fail at the latter. Thriving within the old system/doing what I have to do to because ‘you just have to do it’, is insanely difficult for all the reasons I described above, and has never actually worked for me, ever. Not every adult can say that. I have never had financial security, ever in my life, childhood or adulthood. Not for longer than several months, even in college. Normal brains can keep a job, can scrape rent together, can devise a long term structured survival plan and stick to what it takes to make it happen. I taught myself how to read at three, but at 23 I was living on someone’s floor, hating my mad whirlwind of a mind and how it always seems to make me pay dearly for the ways in which I cannot change myself or adapt to the construct that is modern American life under late stage capitalism.

When I asked the group I run (SISTER) for help so I could possibly eat more and be a bit less malnourished while doing work, every day, for an incredibly unique and important movement in my industry meant to uplift and create space for women around the world who are marginalized in our field, more people than I thought would respond immediately responded with love and willingness to contribute to me not going so painfully without, like I am used to. I was so proud of myself for having gathered the courage to acknowledge and respect my differences and limitations, to ask for help after a year of genuinely hard work, for having the courage to reach out and ask people to acknowledge the value of what I am trying to do, outside of the context of a master/slave capitalist work arrangement. One of the members commented saying ‘we should definitely help you out, you do a lot for us’ and 20 people liked it in two hours. I was like wow, maybe this thing I pour so much time and energy into can help me not struggle so relentlessly like I have since forever.

And then, lo and behold: a white, presumably able bodied/neurotypical woman who had read my long, heartfelt, incredibly vulnerable post to the group I have nurtured from its early days decided that she had to step up and stop me from my apparent attempt to ‘capitalize off disenfranchished people’, ‘charge’ them to stay in the group and threaten people for money like a manipulative, dishonest person would do. She wanted me to realize that ‘real labors of love don’t get compensation’….(huh? She had clearly read my post about being in a financial emergency and losing weight, and wanted to block me from getting support to get out of that situation? Who does that?) She told me that she has been able to make money and survive without a normal job and that she could offer me suggestions on how to do that, and ended with offering to take over what I have built brick by brick while vowing not to ‘charge’ the members (which I never did and was never going to.) It was horrible, because it was a strangely aggressive personal attack on a black, intensely neurodivergent woman in a clearly vulnerable and painful position, based on complete absence of understanding of who I am, what my intentions were, my story, and what it means to ask for help within a community that knows you, cares about you and values your existence. I technically have a severe neurological disorder….why would anyone drag someone who was brave enough to admit to to that?

Ableism, and stigma, and people not believing you and blaming your struggle on your character or on personal shortcomings. I told my story so honestly, and a white woman came out of nowhere to attack my black ass for it and shame me for speaking out and asking for the support I truly do need and deserve. This is a real life example of ableism/neurotypical privilege in action.

She got angry after I deleted the attack so she put it on our public page within five seconds, to ‘get back at me’…..it was bizzare. If she wanted to help me, why didn’t she message me? Why attempt to shame and ‘call out’ and embarass me in front of other people? Why post on our public page, where there are hundreds of non-members, in the attempts to get attention for something that was apparently meant to be of personal help to me? I have since flipped my weave and gotten over it, (lol) but at the time, I hadn’t felt so angry in years. I was in absolute shock, and even more in shock when she posted it on her page, my name included, and messaged me to thank me for all the attention she was getting from the post….(!)….all because I asked if people would be willing to help me fight the real life effects of severe ADHD so I can continue to run our group and do good for others around the world.

The ableism in her narrative about me was astounding. If someone had cancer and had put love and energy into something meant to benefit others for an entire year, while suffering from the effects of her cancer, and she made a gofund me for help with hospital bills and posted it in her group, no one would come out of the woodwork and accuse her of trying to use and scam others. No one would demean her character and reduce her desire to survive to a baseless, manipulative scheme. No one would offer to replace her without having ever had a personal, one on one conversation with her. No one would respond to her in a way that completely wrote her cancer out of the equation and blamed her inability to pay her hospital bills on her own lack of making the right choices. No one would tell her “when I was sick, I payed my bills without asking people for money, so you should too, and I can give you suggestions on how to do that.” Her words reeked of really, really bad ableism and an intense disregard for my plight and thereby, the plight that all people diagnosed with this go through. ADHD, the severe kind like I have, is not a disease in my opinion, like I explained above, but its still a painfully real and huge difference which leads to the kind of inability to support oneself that I have faced for my entire adult life, to an extent that is absolutely anything but normal. I know we’re all paying our individual rent every month in this alienated, atomised capitalist society, but I believe in community and I believe that people should reach out to people who care for help more, to each other more instead of to institutions and writers of paychecks, that people should help each other more, emotionally, financially, however. You shouldn’t shame someone for struggling so long and so hard that they shoot down their pride and ask people to help them. You shouldn’t tell people their labor, their effort, their love, their energy, is worthless. You should not assume that someone you do not know has the same abilities as you do. That is stigma. That is shaming, that is harmful, that is ableism, that is really messed up, especially if it’s a white woman doing this to a black woman in America…..context.

I hope that new research that comes out helps people to realize what people like me go through, how we lack the abilities most adults take for granted and assume everyone has. We don’t. A lot of rich ADD’ers end up with life coaches, expensive life long medication, multiple therapies and all kinds of support, while lots of poor POC ones end up dead, homeless or locked up somewhere. The research is out there if you look. I hope that new research reduces stigma so that the cancer patient and the severe ADD’er are both looked at with love, understanding and kindness about their limitations. I hope this woman realizes one day that a white person attacking and shaming and lying about a black woman who is simply trying to survive and brave enough to ask for help from people she has helped, is extremely problematic and hateful especially given white supremacy and racism…..I hope she realizes that when I deleted her post, it was coming from a place of intelligent awareness of the defamation and barely hidden vitriol that came through so clearly in her original attack, which her friends somehow didn’t see the same way (they wanted me to think she was being ‘nice’ and trying to ‘help’….really? Please.) I might have an extreme brain difference, but I’m extremely intuitive and not stupid in the slightest. Whether they will admit to it or not, the energy emanating from her original words was condescending, cruel and unwarranted , and I will never sit here and act like it was not.

To everyone with ADHD or any inner difference defined and treated like a severe neurological disorder, I love you, and you deserve to survive!!! You do need more help than the average person. Your limitations are a mirror for others to look in and more easily admit their own. Your inability to survive as an individual unit forces you to rely on either your community, or on the state, and when you choose the latter, you make social reality a little less cutthroat and isolating because you are a reminder of how unnatural the way we live is. No, you are NOT equipped to survive this bullshit, but that doesn’t mean people should shame you or that you deserve to wither away. I believe you, I see you, I acknowledge you, I applaud you for rising above your struggle, or just admitting to it and taking up space in the world, as you are. I will do everything I can to help tell our story as I continue my creative career.

c

 

 

 

Mental Illness Series Part 3: Attention Deficit Disorder

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The worst part about losing my job, yet again, was the look in my boss’ eyes.

He’d been trying, for a long time, to help, to give me something to do that would help me survive & allow me to focus on music. I showed up, once again, with no notepad or writing utensil. He had asked me over and over and over again to bring these things. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot again. He is upset now. I am not moving fast enough and my laptop is stalling. I feel his eyes on me. He exudes power and confidence and organization and productivity and industriousness. My opposite. Intimidating. I feel small. I feel as if he is looking at a disobedient five-year old. My imagination runs wild. He is sick of me. (Get out of here coral) I can’t focus. I can’t focus. I am starting…

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The Gathering of the Rainbow Tribe: New Age delusions and rude Awakenings

Sacred Space in Time

There are certain realities that must be addressed in order for the world to move forward as One. These realities have been created by the super-conscious agreement of large soul-groups comprised of smaller collectivities and individuals inhabiting this planet, engaged in a mutually beneficial karmic drama drawn out over many hundreds and thousands of years. The origins of this passion play are lost in mists of time, subject to multitudinous explications and storied retellings, but the ramifications of it remain with us.

The world we live in is an end result of the diffusion of the world’s people from one location upon the planet to many, according to both scientists and mythologists. According to American Indian lore, each group was given a charge relating to the 4 directions and other esoteric correspondences. Succinctly, the yellow race was sent East and given charge of wind and so became knowledgeable about all things having…

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In response to Neybuu Tablawalli:

This post is a direct response to accusations about me and an ensuing wall of hateful comments, thanks to a person named Neybuu Tablawalli posting about me/using my name, on their personal Facebook. This is the true story behind the public slandering and bullying I faced yesterday, not the false one that riled people up.

A few nights ago, I asked people in SISTER, the group I have dedicated myself to for the past year, to contribute, if they CAN, to a survival/compensation fund, due to the fact that it’s truly become a full time job and ALSO due to the fact that I deal with what society would label SEVERE cognitive disability/neurodivergence, which causes endless real life problems when it comes to securing a consistent living, this is something anyone can research. My situation isn’t a joke or a game, my original post was not a ruse to scam people for money or threaten anyone. I actually do have this problem. It is not normal for an adult. It’s real and there are thousands of people in the world like this with the same very, very real situation. I was never trying to hold this collective ransom for money. That was completely made up, and I have no idea why. I asked people to give if they could, what they could. Many members from around the world commented supportively, many asked for my Paypal or Venmo, within a day. Thats not a group of strangers I’m trying to steal from, those are obviously people who CARE about me and were willing to help because they understand the amount of work and love I put into this, not because they are scared I will take away the platform. I never said I’d leave if not paid. What I DID say is that if this doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to train someone else because at my age, I can no longer do this job if it is not helping me eat. I would NEVER get rid of Sister or threaten the members of my own group. That was genuinely, completely made up. I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with what I actually said. I deleted it and her immediately, before reposting her statement and asking who she was, because what she said to and about me was blatantly off base/inaccurate, and I was also not in an emotional space at the time to be political about it and leave it there. I’m human.

My struggle to survive and attempt to reach out for help, to people I have helped with what I do, is not to be shamed or made fun of or made out to be some kind of scam. It’s real as fuck, and people overwhelmingly responded empathetically and supportively to it. I asked for help if people CAN, not threatened to remove the group if people can’t. I didn’t even announce my paypal or venmo in the group, although MAD people asked for it. I don’t want people to send me all this money, I just want the work I do to help me survive because I don’t have any other options right now and I believe I shouldn’t remain in this situation if people care enough to help. So I figured, a bunch of people giving a tiny amount for a Patreon, a dollar to 3 dollars a month from those that are able, would help me make it through and ensure that I can keep doing this work. Other people get booked in SISTER far more than I do,tbh. It’s a real, global network that has indirectly lead to earnings and collaboration opportunities for many people. My efforts actually do seem to have real life value to other people, which is why so many members were so down to help, so quickly. But there was no mention of that, and the people commenting on her status also didn’t know that.

Also, labors of love shouldn’t be compensated? Why is that? Who is anyone to tell someone else that? People were more than willing to help and give, because I have helped and given a lot. Also…I am so much more than a ‘moderator’. There are several busy inboxes to take care of, a 1200 member group to administrate, several active social media platforms for promoting member’s work and events, constant presence in the group making connections between people and creating a positive supportive vibe, adding new members I meet in the world and online and helping them feel welcome and comfortable, helping people start their events in other cities, overseeing the development of things like logos, our website and merchandise, throwing the sister event in NY, speaking on Panels about us, creating and keeping track of resources like our Sisterbook Database, passing on information I find about opportunities, overseeing big projects like our upcoming Compilation (handling submissions, choosing songs/tracklist, finding engineering, artwork, and working on press + release events), working to create a showcase at a major festival for sisters to play at and hang out at, writing and updating things like decks, press kits and mission statement, doing interviews in press about the collective to get the word out about who we are, working on the actual organizational structure of SISTER so we can become a non profit with a board of directors, researching grants and sponsorship options in order to bring more resources into the group, starting conversations about various issues we face in this industry, planning an outreach to larger platforms in order to link Sister with a bigger entity, all of this in order to benefit more people around the world, all of this to widen the scope of this rapidly growing thing, which I didn’t even see coming. I do SO much. It’s crazy to read a hate status and so many comments about me trying to ‘monetize’ or ‘capitalize off people’ when I do all this for this group and for everyone in it, am simply trying to make a difference, and am only asking for help out of fucking desperation and true, real need. I just want to eat and live somewhere, and make it so that what I do for others actually helps me do that, since I actually struggle to feed and house myself to a degree and to an extent that the majority of neurotypical people my age cannot relate to, and to shame someone for that is fucked up.

If you commented on Neybuu ‘s status in support and we know each other, feel free to judge, unfriend or block me. But first, realize she actually did lie to people about the entire context of what I was asking for. When she came out of nowhere, I had just received an outpouring of love and support because people see and understand the amount of LABOR I put into SISTER and some were willing to put a tiny bit a month towards helping me keep something running which THEY benefit from. Why don’t I have the right to ask for a dime of compensation or support? Why should I have to stay in the fucked up position I’m in when clearly so many people around the world benefit from the space?  If it wasn’t truly a labor of love I would not have have been busting my ass for a year running it with not ONE mention of struggles to afford life. I reached out because I am backed into a fucking corner right now and in my original, misrepresented post, that was completely obvious. I need food, I need support, and I struggle intensely with money, I don’t mean in a casual way, like your average young adult. I mean I am fucking incapable of pulling in money consistently for basic survival and have ALWAYS been, for my entire adulthood. People with brains like mine, their family often has to support and rally around them. If not, they tend to be on disability, or else they must design alternative non traditional incomes for themselves. I have one sister to help me, who is also struggling. This person had people shaming someone who REALLY doesn’t deserve it at all. Everyone, deep down, wants to be able to do what they feel is a mission in their life, what their heart calls to them to do, and have that feed them. Everyone. I just had the guts to outright ask for support from the people who benefit from and care about what I do, and really try to make that happen.

She took my desire to create a less hopeless situation for myself, twisted it around, and had people who’ve never met me and don’t know me accusing me of trying to capitalize off others when I do nothing but give in there. When I’m just trying to help myself EAT and save towards getting my own place. I’m not trying to get money off people for fun or as a scheme, I’m trying to scrape together enough so I can run this group and help empower and connect people marginalized in this industry all around the world since this shit means the world to me, without worrying about losing weight or what will happen if my sisters landlord get sick of my presence. Neybuu and all the commenters don’t know what  I’ve been through trying to support myself. They have not the slightest idea.

Also in the OP, she was a little too ready to offer to take over the group in which case she would ‘vow not to charge people’, which I never said I would…meanwhile, she barely ever participated in this collective…. until now….. I don’t remember having seen her post in the group…. It makes no sense. This is not just a group of people chatting on a FB page, this is a large scale, multifaceted platform/network with a LOT of moving parts to it, so much of my intellectual and emotional labor has gone into creating what SISTER is.

To people who commented like “it’s a public group, she doesn’t have the right to post in there’ thats also blatantly not true….. It’s a private/secret one that I’ve run for a year, and I have personal relationships with a huge number of people in it. You jumped on a bandwagon based on something that was literally NOT true, to support your friend. I can totally understand why, friends support friends. The the way she presented it sounded bad so I can’t blame you at all. But I think people have a right to know what they were actually participating in, which was bullying based on misrepresentation of someone who in absolutely no way deserves what happened. I wasn’t going to post this but I’m not going to sit here and say nothing.

Coral Foxworth

its happening!!! (that one time i had the quintessential enlightenment experience)

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last night, something ancient in me stirred in its slumber, rose from its vaults, and came to complete awareness of what it is.

it laughed at the me that ever forgot. the ‘something’ is the Goddess.

shame died as knowing was born. fear melted as knowing crowned, the birth pangs of learning this lesson finally over…… knowing was reborn in me last night…..not ‘belief’….not thought….nothing of the mind…..just pure, unadulterated knowing…..that which we are violently conditioned out of by outer and inner patriarchs.

this morning, i woke up in love. not with me, not with my boyfriend, although both are true. literally IN love. i felt like a seed in the ground being nourished by the earth except im a human in the world being nourished by the earth. fuck how do i explain. i felt like i was ‘swimming’ in a vat of love, and that vat is called life, and everything that had ever not made sense just made sense.

idk.

im on to something. something that i sense has taken many, many lifetimes to culminate…….
new plateau. very new. quiet here. there is a calm here that is unknowable while asleep to the divine within you. im not ‘struggling’ against me, or against anything, anymore….its so lovely….. i feel like that girl in divergent who figured out ‘its not real’ while in the simulations. sometimes when i ‘slip’ a leg back down, I hear the roar of the former chaos that was my reality, that is the collective illusory reality. I know now that I can never quite go back to the illusion, I may trip and fall down but I seem to have found a ‘portal’ of sorts…a way out….a way back to knowing, to love…. Something has shifted forever.

this feels like initiation, graduation….its feels like now, once im fully on this new plateau, I get to spend the rest of my life cocreating heaven on earth like we were meant to in the beginning… ….feeling like i cracked some kind of code and life will never be the same.