writer, artist, indigo.

Month: September, 2016

its happening!!! (that one time i had the quintessential enlightenment experience)


last night, something ancient in me stirred in its slumber, rose from its vaults, and came to complete awareness of what it is.

it laughed at the me that ever forgot. the ‘something’ is the Goddess.

shame died as knowing was born. fear melted as knowing crowned, the birth pangs of learning this lesson finally over…… knowing was reborn in me last night…..not ‘belief’….not thought….nothing of the mind…..just pure, unadulterated knowing…..that which we are violently conditioned out of by outer and inner patriarchs.

this morning, i woke up in love. not with me, not with my boyfriend, although both are true. literally IN love. i felt like a seed in the ground being nourished by the earth except im a human in the world being nourished by the earth. fuck how do i explain. i felt like i was ‘swimming’ in a vat of love, and that vat is called life, and everything that had ever not made sense just made sense.


im on to something. something that i sense has taken many, many lifetimes to culminate…….
new plateau. very new. quiet here. there is a calm here that is unknowable while asleep to the divine within you. im not ‘struggling’ against me, or against anything, anymore….its so lovely….. i feel like that girl in divergent who figured out ‘its not real’ while in the simulations. sometimes when i ‘slip’ a leg back down, I hear the roar of the former chaos that was my reality, that is the collective illusory reality. I know now that I can never quite go back to the illusion, I may trip and fall down but I seem to have found a ‘portal’ of sorts…a way out….a way back to knowing, to love…. Something has shifted forever.

this feels like initiation, graduation….its feels like now, once im fully on this new plateau, I get to spend the rest of my life cocreating heaven on earth like we were meant to in the beginning… ….feeling like i cracked some kind of code and life will never be the same.





an hour ago, i was walking around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you could see.

i was walking freely, very present.

til i saw a little jellyfish in the sand and paused from the inside out.

i stop in my tracks but in a subtle way so my friend cant see. my heart sinks.

she tells me they are all dead, its ok.

i am walking carefully now, not present at all, hyperfocused, avoiding them.

they are everywhere. i feel ridiculous and drift into mental images from my past.

when i was five, i was running around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you could see.

i am running freely, very present.

til i step on a jelly fish and am stung.



i stop in my tracks in a very loud obvious way and wail

the memory blurs and i *cannot* remember if i was comforted. perhaps i *do* not.

later that night

my imagination runs wild as it usually does.

it was so powerful then i could actually create things i could ‘see’

and my little mind turned all the clothes on the floor of our one bedroom apartment in flatbush

into jellyfish. waiting for me.

i am shaking, watching their wet, gelatinous bodies slink around the floor

i call out to mommy, who is very tired

after what feels like a lifetime she rolls out of bed, grabs me and throws me onto her bed

before rolling over in the opposite direction, annoyed.

i shake a little less and fall asleep.

(this is a lesson i would learn again and again.)


an hour ago

i was walking around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you

could see.

I was 24 years old, avoiding dead jellyfish.

and for once, in that moment, I was okay with it. I wasn’t trying to escape it.

I wasnt trying to avoid it.

I wasnt trying to repress it.

I’m not calling the part of me that never got the comfort she needed stupid or crazy

I’m walking with her, adult me took her by the hand today and we walked, together.

we just were. we were not at odds with each other. we decided to be one with each other.

(there were a few moments there were my current consciousness blended with hers. i looked down and for flashes of seconds, had five year old feet. i felt her innocence heal the adult me of my judgements against her. i felt the adult me take little me in her arms and hold her and let her feel. very cool, very useful when this kind of dimensional *blend* occurs, because thats where a healing/integrated perspective is born <3)

i will comfort myself tomorrow, but today I will defiantly avoid jellyfish.

i will comfort myself tomorrow, and move through the fear tomorrow, but today i will sit at the bottom of it, with absolutely no resistance. and finally be THERE for myself, stand by myself, stand with myself. not the self i want to be but the self i am right now.

fully feel my fear. Feel its every effect on each part of my body. It suddenly felt so harmless and innocent, to feel how i feel, as if something reached out of the sky and uninstalled a program that needed to go and had been taking up too much space.

i walked for twenty minutes through an old, old inner shadow, suddenly made manifest, with perfect symbolism, in physical reality, at this beach.

fully felt my fear and told myself it is ok that is there. my programmed mind jumps to shame first and foremost but not today. today the fear was ok.

i think i may have moved a mountain just now.

each surrender seems to catalyze a deep, profound inner shift in response

and then, the last thing is a miracle in the external world that is completely in alignment with my being.

the only way out is through, and the seed of the miracle is your willingness to walk with little you.





A Highly Intelligent Woman Speaks Out

The Practical Free Spirit

On Tuesday I read a blog post in which a female blogger made a list of people in her acquaintance she’d put in charge of governing society if she was a monarch. All the people on her list were male. When called on this fact in the comments, she mentioned one woman she knew who she felt was “awesome,” but then proceeded to say she’d listed people she knew who were “wicked smart” and that offhand, she couldn’t think of any other women she’d put in that category.

Typing that just now makes me want to yell and scream and possibly hurt my foot by kicking something unexpectedly hard.

As a woman who is “wicked smart,” let me explain something to those of you who haven’t thought about such things. High-IQ women often do not present in the same way as high-IQ men. That doesn’t mean they’re not just as…

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