jellyfish

by fxwrk

jellyfish-854848_960_720

an hour ago, i was walking around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you could see.

i was walking freely, very present.

til i saw a little jellyfish in the sand and paused from the inside out.

i stop in my tracks but in a subtle way so my friend cant see. my heart sinks.

she tells me they are all dead, its ok.

i am walking carefully now, not present at all, hyperfocused, avoiding them.

they are everywhere. i feel ridiculous and drift into mental images from my past.

when i was five, i was running around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you could see.

i am running freely, very present.

til i step on a jelly fish and am stung.

pain.

stunned,

i stop in my tracks in a very loud obvious way and wail

the memory blurs and i *cannot* remember if i was comforted. perhaps i *do* not.

later that night

my imagination runs wild as it usually does.

it was so powerful then i could actually create things i could ‘see’

and my little mind turned all the clothes on the floor of our one bedroom apartment in flatbush

into jellyfish. waiting for me.

i am shaking, watching their wet, gelatinous bodies slink around the floor

i call out to mommy, who is very tired

after what feels like a lifetime she rolls out of bed, grabs me and throws me onto her bed

before rolling over in the opposite direction, annoyed.

i shake a little less and fall asleep.

(this is a lesson i would learn again and again.)

 

an hour ago

i was walking around on the beach.

high tides had left sea things scattered, half covered in sand, as far as you

could see.

I was 24 years old, avoiding dead jellyfish.

and for once, in that moment, I was okay with it. I wasn’t trying to escape it.

I wasnt trying to avoid it.

I wasnt trying to repress it.

I’m not calling the part of me that never got the comfort she needed stupid or crazy

I’m walking with her, adult me took her by the hand today and we walked, together.

we just were. we were not at odds with each other. we decided to be one with each other.

(there were a few moments there were my current consciousness blended with hers. i looked down and for flashes of seconds, had five year old feet. i felt her innocence heal the adult me of my judgements against her. i felt the adult me take little me in her arms and hold her and let her feel. very cool, very useful when this kind of dimensional *blend* occurs, because thats where a healing/integrated perspective is born <3)

i will comfort myself tomorrow, but today I will defiantly avoid jellyfish.

i will comfort myself tomorrow, and move through the fear tomorrow, but today i will sit at the bottom of it, with absolutely no resistance. and finally be THERE for myself, stand by myself, stand with myself. not the self i want to be but the self i am right now.

fully feel my fear. Feel its every effect on each part of my body. It suddenly felt so harmless and innocent, to feel how i feel, as if something reached out of the sky and uninstalled a program that needed to go and had been taking up too much space.

i walked for twenty minutes through an old, old inner shadow, suddenly made manifest, with perfect symbolism, in physical reality, at this beach.

fully felt my fear and told myself it is ok that is there. my programmed mind jumps to shame first and foremost but not today. today the fear was ok.

i think i may have moved a mountain just now.

each surrender seems to catalyze a deep, profound inner shift in response

and then, the last thing is a miracle in the external world that is completely in alignment with my being.

the only way out is through, and the seed of the miracle is your willingness to walk with little you.

c

 

 

 

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